I am not going to do a long intro for Tiffany Beverlin, founder of Dreams Recycled, because she shares her story below. In her “3 Things”, she talks about being a stay at home mom, getting divorced, and how she founded her business.

After being unemployed for 10 years, she had a hard time finding a job, so she decided she would create one of her own. Dreams Recycled is another business that was motivated by a personal life changing event.  The website provides an online community and marketplace for divorcees. Women across the country use the platform to sell their old memories (rings and wedding dresses) to fund their new business ventures.

I would recommend that you read all of Tiffany’s “3 Things” because she touches on a lot of important issues that I know women in their 20s worry about. Also, I think she gives a really good perspective on why expecting women “to have it all” is dangerous.

1. The ramifications of being a stay at home parent

We all often hear as a stay at home parent how lucky we are to get to be there 24/7 year in- year out with our children. In many ways this is true. No one wants to miss their child’s’ first tooth falling out or their ballet recital or not be there for a scraped knee, but while we are giving so tirelessly over these years to our children and husbands something is being taken from us. I hear this often and my personal story highlights what is wrong with preaching to our daughters that you can have it all the reality is you can’t. I was a stay a home parent for 10 years; I have 3 children all approx. 3 years apart. At the time I don’t remember really being given a choice to stay home all I remember is that my husband at the time made approximately five times the income I made even with the same educational level. So me staying at home became what you did, I would listen to other Moms in the playground saying how lucky I and the other stay at homers were as they drove off to their jobs where they no doubt where mentally stimulated surrounded by adults knowing their nannies would pick up their child from preschool later that day. In my head, even then I would question which is the luckier of these two Moms? As women we all struggle with this no one wants to appear to prefer to work and admit that being home alone with Dora blaring and 3 sick children running around making messes isn’t their idea of lucky. Being a stay at home Mother is mostly a thankless yet rewarding all-consuming endeavor.

When I filed for divorce the first thing I did was start looking for a job, a decade had passed I realized this meant that I had 10 years less experience in my field than anyone else my age , but I had no idea how having this 10 year gap in your resume makes you in cases virtually unemployable. In ten years think of how business has changed how technology, marketing, computers, advertising, has adapted to the world we live in. Couple with that that I only really had 8 years work experience before giving up my career and that I wasn’t a teacher , doctor , nurse, lawyer who seem to fair better returning to work and the fact was, I couldn’t get a job. Divorce isn’t the only unforeseen life event I have spoken to many women on my website DreamsRecycled.com who have been widowed or whose husbands have been injured or lost their jobs even stay at home moms who have kids leaving for college are horrified to learn their limited or nonexistent job choices.

In hindsight giving up your career, your ability to make a living for such a long period of time is not the safest long term plan. Life is full if curve balls if you want to retain your career, your personal identity and your ability to be independent as a women I believe that you should try and limit the years you stay home with your children to a maximum of a year or two or try and find a way to job share or work part time so that not only do you appear to have never left the work force but that your pay scale can reflect the decade or so you spent juggling raising your children and working for money simultaneously. This is how I started Dreamsrecycled.com it was through necessity I knew that to have an income and financial independence I would have to start my own business or go back to college to be reeducated in a different field. I truly hope one day DreamsRecycled.com can employ as many of these amazing women who find themselves stuck in the same position I was in, as a newly divorced stay at home mom, and I weekly tell my own daughter not ever to rely on anyone for her own financial independence not even when married.

2. You can’t change people

When I was in my 20’s I suffered from “saving syndrome” I wanted to save, fix and  help everyone I came in contact with especially the troubled men who seemed to gravitate towards me for an empathetic ear. I still have a caring personality I still through my website love to help and encourage people along the way to find happiness through letting go and dreaming big after their divorces. I have however learned to separate these two things. The users of my website are there to help themselves they have already decided what they need to do to be happy to move on and to find joy, I haven’t controlled this or made it happen the website is there as a way to facilitate this process. When I was in my 20’s I used to actually think I could through my sheer determination and commitment help these troubled souls change into totally different people. Over the years I have reluctantly come to the conclusion that you can’t change anyone. The person you marry knowing they are a hellacious slob will continue to be a slob, the person you find to be passive aggressive will remain passive aggressive, the person with anger issues who abuses you will continue this behavior. Now I am in no way advocating turning your back or not being supportive to these troubled souls but what I am pointing out is that as people we are made up of a million different quirks personality traits and behaviors we ourselves can curb control or help these but no outside person can through just willing it to change, nagging or controlling make another human being change. This is such a valuable lesson and if I had leant it earlier, I would have saved myself many years of heartbreak and troubled relationships. It’s also how I look at potential men I date now, I give people credit for honesty and realize everyone makes mistakes, there is no perfection but if there are any  major deal breakers I know now to walk away from that path, that it is a path with too many obstacles and for the most part no victories.

3. Love yourself

If I have to be honest I am a late bloomer, late to learn this so sorely needed skill. It wasn’t until my divorce that I understood how valuable this skill set is to everyone in business and on a personal level. We spend a life time learning to love others, our parents, our siblings, our friends, lovers, husbands, children, but we often forget to love ourselves. We criticize our inner and outer self’s we compare unhealthily ourselves to others. It is so easy to fall into the trap of spending valuable time thinking how others are smarter, prettier, thinner, funnier, better in some way than we are.

I vividly remember discussing my idea for DreamsRecycled.com with a business colleague of mine and saying “I think it’s a really good idea, but I’m not sure anyone else will”. Their response was a tirade saying “It’s so frustrating, why think like that? Women in business often doubt themselves and their ideas, men don’t! Men go into every business meeting thinking everything they say and every idea they have is already better than everyone else’s!” There is no way I would had the courage and conviction I have had to start my website without loving and believing in myself. Let’s face it starting any business takes a giant leap of self-faith. No mountain was ever moved by someone who wasn’t sure if they could move a rock. Since then I have been channeling my inner man in business and in my personal life to care less about what other people think of me and more about what I think of me. It’s not arrogance, it’s confidence and self-love. There is absolutely nothing wrong with and absolutely everything right with, going through life loving the parts of you that make you, You. Your personality, your looks, the size of your thighs, your laugh, your mind, your sense of humor, even your flaws recognize them, embrace them and most of all learn to love them. Learn to love them ALL. The faster you can get to a place of total acceptance and inner confidence the better your life will be. You will get to a place where you automatically feel that your thoughts and ideas are valuable, as valuable as anyone else’s. You will find love, start websites, take risks and ultimately move mountains all using your love and belief in yourself as the foundation. Just make sure that foundation is stone and not sand.

As I look back and remember my 20’s I see someone who clearly had it all yet doubted they had anything, I believe this is actually the most important lesson anyone can learn as a 20 something year old, I will be making my sons read this over and over tonight. You already have it all… just learn to recognize encourage that you do too!