How to avoid repeating painful pattern- Male POV

Are you separated, divorced, arguing constantly or any number of scenarios and you cannot figure out why “he” is such a jerk?
The following list may begin to give an idea of what men actually experience in relationships with women.

Consider the following:

1- Men need the unabashed approval of an important woman. If they don’t get it from their mothers or grandmothers, they will seek it out in their wives, girlfriends etc. while pretending they don’t need it. Such mixed messages create and generate drama, upset and conflict. If a woman has a father like this, she will think that this is true of all men – and it will also impact how she views her son, pretty much guaranteeing the repetition of the pattern.

2- Men often get their skill sets from their fathers including how to joke, compliment, insult, ignore, diminish and defend. Look at this area and ask yourself – “Would I want my son to grow up like this?” particularly as you begin to date again. You can also ask whether the man operating this way ever actually enjoyed being the subject of such communication.

3- Men don’t usually take advice from their wives, girlfriends or any others, particularly if they feel like women represent criticism – not acceptance, encouragement or love. (See #1)

4- Men often believe that they “should” know how to handle not only their own emotions (usually only anger allowed) – but also their ability to handle, fix, absorb, deflect, deal with or avoid dealing with the way people express emotions. More often than not, they will focus on the areas they feel effective, powerful or successful in and avoid those areas in which they feel lost, inexperienced or worthless. They will look like they don’t care which is often is not the truth. They don’t know that they don’t know that anything is else is possible through authentic vulnerable communication.

5- Men have no clue about sex or intimacy as it relates to women. One of the biggest misconceptions about men is that we are men based on our chronological age or ability to pee standing up or to have intercourse. Unless a man has had not only a father’s mentoring but also had other men’s wisdom based on information (other than pop song lyrics or pornography), do not assume that he has a clue about what great sex, incredible intimacy or making love even means to you- or whether knowing any of that would be important to him. Ask ▬ really listen for the answer.

6- Interview women who you believe have great marriages. Listen to how they speak about the men in their lives – not just their romantic partners. Relatives, co-workers, other women’s husbands or loved ones, business associates or public figures – and someone’s perceptions as such can offer you a clue about the way they can relate to, attract and enjoy knowing and being known by men.

7- Find a coach. Find a therapist. Find ways to love and heal. Surround yourself with women who choose to see the best in people- and notice that those kind of men will show up too.

Dave Rudbarg

Dave Rudbarg
Relationship Coach



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