Situations in everyday affect us one way or another. Sometimes these everyday occurrences we don’t even notice it changing the way we feel inside or appear to others. When you are getting married, you spend so much time and energy building up for that one big event. Family and friends join you in your special day and then all of a sudden the same people can be brought into a divorce situation. It is two totally opposite sides of the spectrum, from the happiest to the worst days of your life. When we are married, we pose and smile for pictures, we give speeches, and we dance. When you are separated or divorced there is no easy way to express your emotions and feelings without looking like you have gone nuts. How many people do you know that after a separation that nothing they seem to say made sense? I raise my hand on myself, because I was that person who appeared to be crazy to my friends.
Odds are that many people know someone who has been divorced. There is no time frame that a person will magically be alright after going through a traumatic event like this. There is no magic pill, you don’t just wake up one day and say “I’m 100%”. During the first six months, I was faced with self-guilt when I would replay past situations in my head. To me it was almost just as severe as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I had experienced from three combat tours in Iraq. Every day you were reminded of something minor that would cause a major reaction: “We used to eat there as a family”, “This was our favorite TV show”, “Sunday night was family dinner night”. To others looking in, this all seems so minor. To me, it caused anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. I began to avoid things I loved and that I had been doing for years. I had friends who would tell me, just don’t worry about it. I wish it would be just that easy!
How many of you reading know someone who avoided places, events, or situations because they said it reminded them of their ex-husband or wife? Having PTSD from the Army I learned something that has really helped me in my divorce process, exposure therapy. By avoiding all situations and places all you are doing is putting a band-aid over the issue. One day that band-aid will not hold back and your emotions will overtake your mind. It took me several months, but I began to face these places, situations, or events head on in my new life. At first these situations and or places are very hard to be at. You may have anxiety, but it is ultimately just in your mind. If you have a place you frequent, I suggest you don’t go alone, ask a friend to join you. Invite a friend who will talk about the feelings you are having. Having a friend who you trust and is there for you can give you greater strength. Here is my example of “should” have had someone with me.
Two months ago I decided I was going to make a trip alone back to my old home area or Savannah, GA. I had it all planned out, I was going to camp along the way from St. Louis and then camp on the beach near my old home. Everything went great, except something one night on the beach reminded of my old life, and kids. I was 1,000 miles from my nearest friend, and I had a panic attack. I had no one to talk to, I used Facebook. I under estimated the power that would consume me that night back in my old home town. Luckily a friend saw what I wrote, knew I was alone far away, she called me and talked for nearly 4 hours about how I was feeling at that moment. After that talk it was like a huge pressure was off me. That night, I was on the very beach where I watched my kids grow up on. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have gone alone, I should have invited a friend.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the dangers of being alone in such a vulnerable time. This is proof that you should let people you trust know where you are and what you are doing. I wanted to share this as proof at even over six months, someone who is divorced can still have a very strong reaction.
To our friends and family…we will never be a 100% over it; we can’t just get over it. We just ask you to always be there to support and help us along.
Till next week!
Jason Pilarski
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