Divorce Tips-Man to Man!

I stood, shaking in the living room of my small duplex. My wife had stormed out. My mother in law raised her arms making an all-encompassing gesture, looked me in the face and said, “Mark. She doesn’t want THIS.” When those five words reached my ears, it finally sank in that my marriage was over. It was time to let it go. No more begging. No more trying to make it work.

I’m not going to go into all of the details as far as the proceedings, cost and heartache for endured the next year and a half. But I will say that I wouldn’t wish that process on my worst enemy. As a guy, the first emotion I felt when I realized the marriage was truly over, was a sense of failure and embarrassment. It was very embarrassing for me to tell my family and friends. I also personally felt responsible for any pain, and future pain I would be causing my son. I’m also smart enough to realize that he’s better off now in a home where his parents aren’t fighting, but at the time I felt like a huge failure. So guys, please don’t feel this way. If you continue to be a great father, you are not failing your child/ren.

I just want to jump right into some tips I have for other men with a child or children going through a divorce that I either learned the hard way, or that I did right off the bat that really helped.

1). Do not fight in front of the children. It hurts THEM, not your soon to be ex wife.
Just come to terms with the fact that a new chapter is starting, and be mature.
Yes you’ll have to bite your tongue but it’s worth it.

2) Do not fight over material things. You can replace all that. You don’t need to argue over that couch, or TV. It will feel good just knowing you had no malice in your heart and trust me it feels good to be able to just say, I just let her have whatever she needed or wanted. And who needs the negative energy of holding onto objects that the two of you
used to own together. Start fresh. Yes it will cost you money, but all the new stuff will be yours alone.

2). Get out of debt…Stay out of debt. I remember getting my first paycheck after the divorce, and feeling so relieved that I now knew where every penny of this was going to be spent. No more getting surprise bills in the mail, or missing money from the account, or late bills, fees or bank overdraft surprises. I should have been more involved in the financials when we were together, so I take partial blame for being irresponsible.
But once your finances are in your control alone, trust me it is a relief.

3) Dating while separated or in the divorce process: Don’t do it.
I know it’s tempting to want to be in the company of someone who understands you, but you need time to grieve the loss of your relationship. Time for you to clear your head, get used to the new dynamic, and to get your own house in order. There’s no need to rush this, and you’re going to end up either talking about, or being asked about your failed marriage.. Just find yourself again for a while. If you’re still in pain, you need to start working out again, or more frequently. Keeping the mind busy and the body healthy and busy is extremely important and helpful.

Guys, I know that all the cliché’s in the world don’t matter right now. The reality is, is that you are going to be going through some hell. But you’ve got to go through it to be able to come out on the other side. And you WILL come out on the other side someday.
The pain does stop. Trust me. One day, you’ll hear a song that just changes you, or you’ll just take in a deep breath outside on an absolutely gorgeous day, and you’ll feel it…that you ARE ok.

Mark the Blogger!

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