DreamsRecycled allows me an unique insight into the world of divorce, fans, followers and “likers” of DreamsRecycled often share with me their intimate stories of unhappy relationships, affairs and ultimately their divorce stories. I have no special skills or qualifications to advise listen or help anyone except that pretty much I personally did, saw or was part of every single bad relationship and divorce mistake ANYONE could ever make. Yeah me . All I actually try and do is share with people parts of my story or other peoples stories in the hope that we can all learn from each others mistakes and not go down these negative destructive or unhelpful paths.
There is one story particular I hear over and over again, with such frequency that I can’t help but wonder why I don’t hear many people talking about this until after the fact, after the affair or after the divorce. This story all starts the same way one partner, one spouse stops paying the other one attention. Doesn’t sound so bad does it, so some one isn’t being told they are pretty, some one has stopped holding hands, someone has stopped appreciating how hard their husbands work. It seems to almost be unanimous though on what happens next. The person being ignored , the person having no affection shown, the person not feeling loved or appreciated starts to wither. They start to feel depressed, unhappy, unloved, unworthy, unwanted. This stage I think of as the wounded birds of people, they become fragile, vulnerable and needy of affection and attention. You might think as the partner of these people that they haven’t aged well, that maybe they gained weight, maybe they no longer seem to you as worthy of attention, maybe they stopped noticing you had hair cuts, stopped seeing how dedicated you are to your kids, job family, maybe they don’t even look at you anymore, don’t talk to you, don’t carve time to be alone with you. The multitude of taking someone for granted reasons really make no difference because the outcome is the same. While you as an uncaring spouse, boyfriend, wife or lover are disengaged and uncomplimentary, unflattering in words and action you can guarantee it’s only a matter of time before the vultures start to circle.
What are the vultures? They are the people who prey on these wounded vulnerable birds, they see their unhappiness and are always the first to offer a shoulder to cry on a quick compliment and words of praise.Maybe they are the cute young female co worker who points out how hot you look in blue, or the divorced dad at school who makes a point to tell you what a great mother you are. These very little things which in healthy relationships would go unnoticed now to the wounded bird are filling these deep seated needs, desires bringing their withered unloved souls back to life. This may seem ok at first every one deserves to be loved and wanted we all deserve compliments kindness and support. What is so terrible wrong about this dynamic though is that the wounded bird, spouse isn’t in a place mentally to cope with this mostly fake attention and affection, they easily fall in love,lust and of course ultimately into bed with these vultures. Why wouldn’t they, they have been neglected to the point that it could be literally any one who come along, any one who said the right words – at the right time. The vultures seem to have the oxygen the birds are gasping for and they usually enter a torrid affair, although this will soon to be very destructive path.
I used to be a prude about affairs, about being unfaithful about people making in my once opinion bad choices, immoral choices, but since my own divorce and after the thousands of divorce stories I have heard, I can now much clearer see that these affairs, these emotional ties to others are simply a symptom of the disease that is their marriage not the actual disease its self. It’s very, very easy to listen to people telling you they are the “victim” of a spouse who they caught cheating who they found was in love with another. Sometimes this is true some people are in marriages where they being given a lot of attention and also treated well and they do still cheat. However primarily from the stories I hear over and over they are cheating because they are looking for attention, affection and the feeling of worthiness in all the wrong places. The actual disease with in their marriage is the total lack of any kind of positive attention they are receiving from their partner or spouse. This is what attract the vultures, the spouse who stopped loving, stopped engaging, stopped complimenting, stopped showing affection is actually more to blame than the vultures for swooping in. The world is full of opportunists and people willing to prey on others weaknesses to get what they want from them, this is the reality of the world we live in. Someone said to me today ” the world is a competitive place and this applies to relationships too”, what true words, we would all do well to remember this. We all need to daily work in our relationships to notice the other person to appreciate what they do, what they say, how they make us feel, because if you don’t their is a 50% plus statistic saying that you will end up in divorce court, with one or the other of you already having an emotional or physical affair with one of these vultures. As a spouse we should work on vulture proofing our relationships not allowing these people to whisper sweet nothings in their once loved ones ears ,that’s our job to keep doing that we made vows to “forsaking all others”. I know that if I ever am fortunate in the future to find true love these many many stories will stick with me and I will always try to show that special person just how much they are indeed wanted, loved and appreciated. To pay them attention, show them affection and fill their needs as much as I can.
I hope you all commit or recommit to doing this too.