You went through a divorce. What have you learned? Certainly you never want to go through it again. If you are dating or thinking about dating again, keep in mind:
1. If a relationship is good it’s comfortable. If it’s not, it’s frustrating. If it’s frustrating, get out! He’s not for you.
2. Trust your instincts. Don’t override your instincts, making excuses for what is happening or not happening. You need to feed your soul, your spirit.
3. Don’t ignore the red flags that are there! Keep your eyes open. Don’t make excuses any more. If there are red flags – even one red flag – you don’t have to stay in the relationship. Learn to walk away. There are other fish in the ocean.
4. Be open to signs that contradict who he portrays himself to be. If something doesn’t seem right, it’s not right. It’s that simple. If you discover anything that contradicts what you think you know about him – watch out! Big red flag!
5. Put away your big box of bandages. You’re not his nurse. You’re not his mother! Don’t be a rescuer, looking for the walking wounded. Nurture yourself. Learn what you like and what you don’t like, what is good for you and what’s not. Don’t accept less from him than you are willing to give.
6. Look for a person who is mature, a nice guy who comes from his heart, who is kind and giving of himself, who cares about you, who nurtures your soul.
7. If the new relationship is all about him, or if you are in it only because you need to be with someone, this is not a healthy relationship. Be in a relationship because you want to be with him, not because you need someone, not because you’re lonely. Don’t buy into the someone- is-better-than-no-one philosophy…that he is the last person on earth you will ever meet.
8. See what his friends are like. Are they the kind of people you would chose to hang around with? If you don’t like his friends, that’s a big red flag. And, if he doesn’t have any friends, that’s also a big red flag.
9. Look for signs of alcohol, drugs, or other addictions. Any man who orders a double of anything- big red flag! Forget him and move on!
10. Seek sexual compatibility. If you’re not comfortable, don’t do it.
11. If the relationship is not going anywhere, move on. Know what you want and what you don’t want and if he’s comfortable going nowhere, forget him. How many years do you want to waste to a dead-end relationship?
12. Make sure he’s not threatened by your independence. Find a man who thinks your independence is a plus and not a dirty word. Watch out for a guy who likes to put you down. He’s insecure and threatened by your confidence, your independence. Put-downs are a big red flag!
13. Watch out for the guy who tells you he doesn’t have enough money and never takes you out to dinner, or wants you to pay for the cruise, who thinks you’d do it just to have his company.
14. The Married Guy. Watch out for the guy who tells you he’s separated from his wife or he’s getting a divorce…but not yet. He has no intention of getting a divorce. He wants his cake and wants to eat it, too. Don’t buy into his story and wind up stuck in a dead-end relationship.
REMEMBER! If a relationship is good it’s comfortable.
If it’s not, it’s frustrating.
Marilyn Frazer
Award-Winning Author of The Relationship Trap
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