The word ‘relationship’ typically conjures images of strolling under the stars with your partner, laughing as your brother cuts the cake and swapping stories at the water cooler. We don’t always give much thought to our other relationships – with money, food, sex, clothes or even success – yet how we relate to these things ultimately determines our happiness. Our most important tool is the ability to change how we relate to these elements of our lives. And when faced with adversity, like losing a spouse or job (by choice or circumstance), re framing relationships is key to regaining our energy, writing the script for our future and claiming our place, center stage, as the architect of our own lives.
Like everything in life, relationships exist in two states: growing or dying. Morbid? Hear me out.
Take a flower… a sunflower. A sunflower begins as a little green shoot, craning its neck toward the sun, lush leaves unfurling slowing as shy yellow petals peak out around its smiling face. Every day, the sunflower pours energy into fostering perfectly formed, cone-shaped seeds. And then, rather suddenly, the sunflower dies –leaving a shriveled mess. Sad, right? Yes – but no. In death, that flower’s energy has created life. Space for something new, something brilliant. I’m not going to sugar coat it: losing someone or something we love sucks. Hard. But it’s how we take responsibility for the next step in life that matters, not the circumstance of our loss; life is a garden and it’s ours to cultivate.
Here are three key steps to moving beyond pain and living your ideal life.
1) Completion
Relationships, circumstances and life events leave an indelible mark on our spirit, a lasting impact that can adversely influence our future. Sometimes these experiences are negative, like being passed over for a promotion, getting a divorce or having a family member pass away. Other times, they’re positive – winning an award, closing a massive deal or meeting the love of your life. We attach ourselves to these experiences to form our identity. The trouble is, these experiences – both good and bad – form massive energy leaks in our personal power. For example, we often hold onto positive achievements, thinking they will motivate us to strive further, when in actual fact, clinging to yesterday’s accomplishments can distort today’s reality and block our vision for tomorrow. The same occurs when we attach ourselves to negative circumstances. To avoid this HUGE energy leak, we need to ‘get complete.’ That means finding out what we can be responsible for, then leaving the past in the past and moving to a brighter future. Practices to ‘get complete’ include:
- Asking yourself if you are willing to let ‘this’ go. If not, you cannot be complete
- Write or journal: First, to release anger. Second, to delve deep and find gratitude for the situation. Sometimes, anger feels like an endless volcano; keep writing until the lava cools
- Say what you need to say: Respectfully and succinctly tell the other party what you need to tell them, without hatred or guilt tripping. Then, accept the circumstance and move on
- Get emotional: Cry, yell, take a boxing class, go to the shooting or driving range, smash a plate. Emotion is your lens for the world – and a crappy pair of glasses distorts your life. Dump your negative emotions so you can see clearly.
2) Identity
When we lose something important in our lives, we often struggle more with losing the identity that person or circumstance gave us than with the loss itself. It’s important to recognize our self-imposed identity – husband, wife, CEO, Chair of X,Y,Z – doesn’t define us as humans. Loss can be an incredible, liberating gift; hitting rock bottom provides an opportunity to redefine our identity, let go of our often-suffocating attachment to success and live our authentic life. Practices to shift your identity:
- Accept that the “old you” was only one small piece of who you truly are
- Acknowledge this exciting opportunity to recreate yourself
- Consider who you want to become. Independent? Powerful? Wise? More heart-centered? Now you’re letting go of your old identity, you can be anything you choose. You’re free to explore your oyster – the world!
3) Vision
Developing a new life vision is exciting. This is your opportunity to select your next life destination and plot a detailed map to get there – to brainstorm your ideal life, and then create clear, measurable goals to build it. The bigger you dream for your next life chapter, the less inclined you’ll be to flick back through the past. Practices for vision building:
- Start a bucket list of the things you’ve always wanted to do. Identify places you’d like to visit, experiences you’d like to share with friends and family, and goals for your personal and professional development
- Write a journal entry to your present self – from the future you, who is living your ideal life. Here’s a real-life excerpt of what I wrote to myself in when I was hospitalized, career-less, getting divorced and forced to rebuild my life: “Dear James, It’s June, 2016. You’re not going to believe how good life is looking. I’m so glad you hung on. You’re running a successful business supporting powerful leaders to realize their dreams. You’ve met an incredible partner and have great relationships with friends and families. Heck, you’ve traveled four countries the past 6 months alone! You’re living and loving the life you designed.”
If our relationships are flowers, then our lives are fields of possibility with so much abundance anything we choose can become our reality. Like everything in nature, fields grow incessantly – complete with weeds and beautiful, unexpected blossoms. But if you want something specific, you need to plant it with intention and commit to watering it every day. Before you know it, a seed becomes a bouquet. These are just a few steps to clear old, dis-empowering thoughts, identify where you’re headed and start digging.
James Butler
James is an Ex. Bomb Disposal Diver- He works with High-Achievers and Corporate Teams To Become Extraordinary Leaders & Generate Exceptional Results
https://ca.linkedin.com/in/jamesgbutler
https://www.facebook.com/james.butler.315
.png)
