The other day my girlfriend confided in me that her and her significant other weren’t doing so well. I encouraged her to spend some time with herself and to focus on what she wants for her life. A few days later she texted me, “Have you ever seriously considered breaking up with your boyfriend?” The question came as a surprise, but I immediately knew the answer.
I knew she was asking because she didn’t want to feel alone in a very uncomfortable process. Seeking out other’s who have been in the same position is consoling and helps to soothe your mind, but it doesn’t support your growth.
I could have very easily gone down the sympathy path, coddling her to feel better, but I know how unproductive that is to an individual’s personal development. It’s akin to simply covering yourself with a blanket so you don’t have to face the truth.
The truth of the matter is that I’ve never seriously thought about leaving my current boyfriend, because we have an amazing relationship that we’ve both worked hard at creating. I’ve been very conscious in this relationship to be open, to communicate more, to have no fear of being myself (something I work on continuously) and, most importantly, to create space enough between us for love to actively and willingly grow and expand.
When I said no I followed it with a concise explanation about space in relationships. While she took it to mean more physical space between two people, I was speaking on a more energetic and psychological level.
Here’s what I said, “No. I’ve thought, and we’ve talked, about the possibility of us not being right for each other. In fact, it’s been an open conversation between us. We give each other space to consider that we might not be right for each other. Likewise, that same space gives us the opportunity to lovingly, freely and continually choose to be with each other.”
That open space allows us to consciously and decisively choose to love each other. And we have continued to choose each other. We’ve allowed our relationship to beautifully blossom.
Physical space is important, but that’s the easiest aspect of this idea to comprehend. What people might not consider is mental space.
You can physically separate yourself from someone, but if you’re still pining over them in your lonely solitude, then what good is it to create physical space to begin with?
In order to optimize the time you spend apart, you have to understand what it means to mentally let go and return your attention back onto yourself. It’s counterproductive to spend a Friday night in by yourself, watching romantic movies, having a bubble bath and cooking yourself dinner if you’re going to be worried what he’s doing with his buddies or wondering if he misses you all night.
Truly creating space in a relationship is a process of letting go, allowing the other person to be completely separate from you while simultaneously included in the relationship. It’s an ability to stand on your own two feet, be able to look the other direction and trust he’ll be there when you turn back around.
Space is allowing the relationship to manifest naturally rather than with either of your hands attempting to control the outcome. This can mean recognizing when it’s time to end the relationship, being flexible if he has to take a job in another state for a few months, staying open to changes of all kinds while remaining cognizant of what’s aligned with your vision for the future and what’s not.
Space is stepping back and allowing you both to consciously choose to love each other over and over again.
Giving each other space gives you both the opportunity to consider the infinite possibilities for your relationship. It’s about keeping hold of what you want the relationship to feel like while releasing what you think it has to look like.
Keep in touch with how you want to feel in your relationship while you let go of how that feeling manifests itself. Most of the time you will be pleasantly surprised.
Holding space is about releasing all fear, worry and anxiety concerning how your relationship will turn out. It’s about trusting that if the relationship is right for you then it will work out, and, if it’s not, then you’re willing to let it go, knowing that what you desire most is working its way towards you right now.
The idea of space in a relationship is seemingly intangible, but it’s more tangible than most realize. It feels free, light, open, happy, joyful, faithful, trustworthy and kind. When you’re grasping too tightly, disallowing space to be present, it feels restricted, controlled, suffocating, uncomfortable, dissonant, noisy, anxiety ridden and completely uncomfortable.
What gets people most is the fear of being alone. So, they begin to think that if they just do this and that then he’ll stick around. But, do you really want to be in relationship in which you forced him to stay? Or would you rather be in a relationship in which you gave him the choice and he chose you?
If this idea is still a bit intangible, take time to think about it in relationship to yourself. Examine how you treat yourself. Do you give yourself freedom to fully enjoy a delicious piece of dark chocolate? Do you steep in the sweetness of a sunny spring day? Or, do you willingly unwind in an epsom salt bubble bath on a Saturday evening?
A good indicator of how much space you’ll be able to give another is how much space and self-love you’re able to give yourself. Do you create room in your life for you to enjoy yourself or do you crowd yourself out with one unending task after the next?
Once you understand that dimension, begin to focus on how you want your relationships to feel (romantic and friend relationships alike). This begins with you. It ends with you too.
Paula Jones
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