Should I divorce?

This is probably one of the most common questions I get asked by the users of Dreamsrecycled.com. I never answer this question as it is not a decision that can or should be made by anyone but the individual. I actually ironically do not even advocate divorce, I explain to men and women alike that two major truths apply.

1, Divorce often replaced one set of personal issues, with another set of issues, personal happiness for financial and emotional struggles from dividing households and children.

2, That the grass isn’t always greener, if you happen to married to someone, kind, loyal, faithful and of good character then you probably will be disappointed to find so many disingenuous and untrustworthy individuals out there today.

Does this mean that no one ever should get divorced? Of course not, we only have one life to lead approximately 77 years of it, we all deserve to be happy in our selves and treated with kindness, love and respect. The irony of talking to people who contact us with divorce questions, is that by the time they are researching divorce and find us online- they have for the most part already deep inside made the decision to divorce. I know from personal experience and from listening to thousands of divorce stories this decision is almost never done on a whim or without some major soul searching. The top seven reasons for divorce I hear are listed below, I hope that for some this list validates what others struggling to cope feel, and for those who are reading and are indulging in these behaviors, its never too late to stop or change and believe may when I say EVERYONE has a limit of what they will put up with before ending their marriages.

1. With holding-one of the most detrimental things you can do to your spouse, do not with hold love, affection, sex, money, gifts, kindness, care, when we marry and find ourselves being “punished” daily by our spouses this behavior eradicates any love between both parties and eventually your spouse will leave and of look for what ever has been withheld else where.

2. Adultery-cheating within marriage is never acceptable unless you have an open agreed upon dynamic (which bless you for figuring that out one person to deal with is enough for me).Cheating is common place as we have almost unlimited access to other people through work, travel, social media. Some people do stay in marriages after adultery has occurred but a very high percentage around 72% will eventually leave or divorce once adultery has occurred. Which makes perfect sense, once you break your actual marriage vows you have broken the intimacy you once shared and trust is so very easy to lose and almost impossible to gain back after cheating occurs.

3. Physical abuse- I shouldn’t even have to list this reason, no one ever should be living in a physically damaging marriage. Violence is never acceptable from either the husband OR the wife. Seek help and if you choose to leave please do so as safely as possible, thehotline.org (1-800-799-7233).

4. Emotional abuse-unlike physical abuse the lines can seem much more blurred, between what is acceptable or not with in a marriage. My view is that if anyone is verbalizing unkind, derogatory, cursing, belittling, condescending dialogue that makes you feel, not worthy, not good enough in any way, this is totally unacceptable. Both men and women are equally guilty of this, this tears down your spouses self esteem and worth from the inside out, and is equally likely to have you winding up in divorce court. Speak kindly lovingly or not at all.

5. Financial control- It is not always possible for many reasons for both spouses to be financially independent and equal in salary even. When you marry you are entering into a contract between two people that is supposed to make two parties equal in all areas of their life including financially. No one likes or will put up with long term being controlled by the others financial strings. It is an often used control tactic, and  all around detrimental ploy to gain power in a marriage. If you trust and love someone, you also have to trust them with financial decisions also.

6. Time- time is an often forgotten reason for divorce, if you do not make time to s[end alone with your spouse, what does this say to your spouse about your feelings towards them or your priorities in life. Yes work and children can drag you away from time with your spouse, but if you allow either of those other commitments to take so much hold over your time together that you end up feeling like room mates or strangers in your marriage, your marriage is unlikely to last.

7. Growing Apart- probably the hardest of all reasons to accept, you have good intentions, no one is doing anything untoward in your marriage yet you just fall out of love and can’t find a happiness you once had with in this relationship. In this situation I think there is always a chance to save your marriage, at the very least try marriage counselling, a couple course, date night etc. Maybe the key is to recognize these feelings early on in the growing apart stage and be brave enough to both address them and work together to try to save your marriage.

There are a plethora of other reasons people divorce, I think most divorces could be avoided if we started by making better choices in who we marry, recognize the signs right of the bat, if someone is unkind, who they treat you, their character morals etc. Most of the people I speak to can in hindsight recognize the red flags way before they said I do. Look for kindness, honesty and make sure you have a very strong foundation of trust and communication to hopefully guide through the bad days that I believe most marriages will go through at some time. Divorce is a personal choice, if this is the decision you make, do so in as positive manner as possible, try to take the high road where possible and be firm and fair in your dealings with your ex spouse, after all you both made this commitment to each other at one time and if you have children with this ex divorce is forever so use kindness liberally when you can.

Tiffany Beverlin

CEO/Founder DreamsRecycled.com

Author My Dreams Recycled