This blog will be new for me it is more pre-marriage advice than, post divorce advice, or dating after divorce advice, but if divorced this may very well ring true for you. I read a quote is said, “We are rivers not ponds” I started to think about this how was I personality wise and I concluded I am most definitely a river. I moved to an entirely different country at 21 knowing no one, I took a job I knew not much about, I started DreamsRecycled after over a decade as a stay at home mom on a wing and a prayer. I love to travel, explore, try new things I am always moving in a forward motion, I am basically a free spirited hippie in CEO heels.
I also remembered trying to date a plethora over the years of very stable, scheduled men, bankers, doctors, professors, and I remember some of their aversion to dating me was that I am a river, little unpredictable, not flaky but most definitely always up to some new adventure. I then thought about my Ex and concluded he is most certainly is a pond. Someone who likes routine, likes normalcy, hates travel, not really into trying new things, very happy to eat, drink be same place 365 days a year.
In hindsight I can see how very wrong we were for each other, a few simple question before marriage, could have maybe altered course of our life paths. I also started to think about all the divorce stories, the “she wants this but I want that stories” I hear and I think perhaps as many as half feature this as a reason for divorce. A common phrase I hear is people change after they marry, but on further questioning actually the core of these people actually has remained the same its just that the spouses can’t compromise anymore over the years. The people are just too different in their fundamental needs and wants out of life. If you are a river and married to a pond, the pond will have to compromise constantly to be and do everything you want to, and as a river to please a pond you will spend many days hours of your life feeling like a person confined to the ponds routine. I am often attracted to ponds, I think ideally they seem safer to date, they seem stable, loyal, predictable part of me craves that security, of knowing what will come next of having your life path and retirement mapped out in front of you, this in many ways is a lovely thought. I however when I look deeper at my life, I very clearly know now that for a life partner, I need to be with another river. Someone who will be as ecstatic as I am to listen to my entrepreneurial ideas, watch me take risks, jump on a plane to Timbuktu with me. Someone who you can wonder around any city in the world, and make it an adventure of Canolis and Ferris wheels and last minute pit stops to anything that takes your fancy. No schedule, no plan, just excitement, someone who also is willing to take chances, roll dice, gamble on lives bigger pay off that you can aim for extraordinary, but will still catch you if you don’t quite make it that far. Sometimes it takes actually finding someone, who is so similar to you, that you have a kind of epiphany, a moment where you say “wow relationships aren’t work , how did that happen?” You already both, want to to do the same things, no compromising to the point of unhappiness and restlessness that tends to set in when you aren’t with someone who wants what you want.
One of the best things about dating after divorce is really getting to know your self again, realizing the person you are, and what fundamental traits in other people compliment you and your lifestyle the most. I think figuring out fundamentally if you are a pond or river will eventually guide you to the person you are meant to be with, and whether you are two ponds, happy to plan your life ahead and gain enjoyment from the schedule you create, that is great or two rivers meandering through life at break neck speed with no map, I wish you luck in love and a lifetime of happiness and canolis!
Tiffany Beverlin
tiffany@dreamsrecycled.com
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