When we think of couples coaching or counseling, we think of people working to keep their marriage together. With the divorce rate hovering around 53% we are seeing an upsurge in more couples, positively uncoupling. We have always and will always advocate positive divorce, it’s cheaper, kinder on ourselves and spouses and undoubtedly better for any children involved. Divorce is known to be the second most stressful event in anyone’s life (after death of a family member). Why not chanel all that emotional energy into civilly and kindly working with the soon to be ex spouse to divorce peacefully.
Here are some positive steps you can take to uncouple kindly.
- Use collaborative Lawyers or mediators to take care of the legal aspects of divorce for you. These professionals are trained to help you make decisions that are in everyone’s best interest, the process is faster, less expensive and calmer for all involved.
- Speak kindle to one another, the separation has probably left you feeling both battered and bruised emotionally, try to still speak respectfully and calmly to one another. Use the I feel phrase when feeling anxiety or anger, to remain calmer.
- Don’t hold secrets, one of the reasons divorce stress is amplified is the feeling that we have to hide it from friends and family. Divorce is not shameful, it is not usually anything anyone did. More likely than not your friends and family will have more sympathy and understanding than we give them credit for. Sharing often relieves us of the burden of hiding a secret and allows us to move on in a more positive manner.
- Put your children first, simply no? This is often the place we struggle the most, in our opinions of what is best for our own children. If you follow the guide lines of your state re child custody, as a general guide, you will have a smoother and calmer divorce. Yes it is hard to adjust to children moving between parents, but generally its harder on the parents and less hard than think on the child, especially when you take the time and do the work to make your child understand the new divorce situation, but more importantly the fact that your love hasn’t been divorced or taken from them its still intact as ever.
- Seek couples coaching, or support, this is a relatively new process, but of course it makes total sense, it keeps you out of the court room with niggly arguments, makes child sharing easier, heals past wounds, leads to forgiveness quicker and allows both parties to hopefully end up on a civil and friendly basis which benefits everyone moving forward.
- Lastly take stock and realize that as much as a marriage is between two people, a divorce is too. It is all about the amount of work and effort you put into it, to remain positive. You as a couple had many years and memories together, you may have children to continue raising together, so be kind, be fair and you both will reap the benefits of this.
Divorce unlike marriage is forever, so we advocate you take the time at the beginning of the process to try to do it correctly. Use the plethora of services out there, get the help you need, ask for advice and remember your ex is still the person you at one time loved , so try to treat them with the respect they deserve.
Tiffany Ann Beverlin
Certified Divorce/Life coach