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Have you ever begun a relationship and found that you’re putting in all of the work? Where you’re constantly showing your love and affection for the other person, initiating sex, and always planning fun things to do with your partner without any kind of reciprocation in return? Perhaps you’ve been on the other side of that coin? One way or another, most of us have been in that position before and, sadly, so many of us still continue these kinds of uneven relationships even though it exhausts us. Have you heard stories of the guy that doesn’t come home some nights, even though he had a date with his girlfriend? She prepared dinner and he just never showed up? How about the girl who was caught making out with other guys at the bar and her boyfriend continues to date her? Perhaps you’ve heard these stories from friends, or maybe you’ve even experienced or are experiencing them right now, firsthand. When we put ourselves through these kinds of relationships, frustration, sadness, and anger starts to occur. We think something needs to be fixed, that we need to improve ourselves, so we seek dating advice online or through a friend. We start to play games with our unaffectionate partner, and pretty soon, we just get even more and more frustrated, sad, and angry. It’s a downward spiral, and guess what? Most of these people continue to stay in these relationships. It’s comfortable, after all. And half-heated, half-hearted love is better than no love at all…right?
WRONG!
You will never ever, ever have the ability to change somebody, to make them more affectionate and love you more! I hate to break it to you, but you do not have that power. You may read manipulative articles in Cosmo or Men’s Health that tell you otherwise, but that is horribly incorrect. And even if you did have the power of manipulation, why in the world would you want to use that power to make somebody love you? There’s only one person who can change who somebody is—that person is his or herself.
So, my simple question is, why continue to struggle and make your life even more confusing by continuing along these lines? I understand that the answer to that question is much more difficult to come to because relationships are comfortable, human interaction is what we do best. Being with somebody makes the lonely feel less lonely, no matter how superficial the relationship is. But when we spend our time with someone who doesn’t really want us back, we are sacrificing finding the kind of love that makes our hearts soar. That disgusting love where you’re always holding hands and kissing. I’ve seen that love in couples that have been together for 50 years. It exists! So I have a second question to ask…
Why sacrifice heart-soaring, profound, and connecting love, the kind that makes you happy and alive, for something that makes you feel constantly unhappy, sad, and un-alive? There is no grey area here. That is the difference. Black and white. The answer to my question is easy to come to, but I understand that the actions it takes to make that change are difficult. That power for happiness and healthy relationships is in your hands.
For someone who has had to make this change before, I can tell you that it is undeniably difficult at first. But, over time, you begin to notice how good of a decision it was to make. The stress goes away, the headaches go away, that blah kind of feeling goes away, and best of all, you become happier with yourself. And when you become happier with yourself, you attract those kinds of people who will be happy with you. Don’t settle for pathetic “love.” You owe it to yourself to be happy, so open yourself up to be happy.
Do you want a fire that ignites the night in your life or just a small little flicker that quickly vanishes away?
Travis Barton
Life Coach
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