A few months ago a handsome man posing in front of his exotic sportscar saw me on Facebook commenting under a mutual friends post. He politely reached out to me and introduced himself and asked if I was single and wanted to “talk”.
Initially I thought sure, why not? In his one photo he seemed an attractive and successful person who I felt comfortable talking to, as I knew we had a mutual friend I could ask for as a reference, so I agreed to speak with him.
The conversation on the phone was fine no blaring red flags, but after the conversation he friend requested me and this is where I instantly knew why he was single. Post after post, day after day, night after night of him with so many different women that I can only presume or hope they were all just friends. On his lap, in his car, on boats, everywhere- his traveling harem it appeared. It was instantly off putting, a weird mix of over kill, desperation and player-ism rolled into one. The was no way I would ever date him, non less have even a photo taken with him in a public setting, what girl wants to be surrounded constantly by hundreds of other women even if they are only friends? This may sound like the start of a girl cat fight but it isn’t jealousy it’s much more the perception of who needs to be surrounded in women constantly and what that says about a mans ego.
The second example of perception getting in the way of relationships, I see in many men, who have been single or divorced for many years is ; they have carved out a life of single-hood a life that makes it almost impossible for you to penetrate as a girlfriend. These men often work a lot and fill every waking hour around work with varies activities, friends and social events. You end up being second choice to their poker night with their neighbors , their running club, their work and their friends. Who ironically don’t seem to stay single because of your boyfriend they are all happily married or coupled but your boyfriend still somehow thinks his loyalty should lie in appeasing them, catering to them not you as his girlfriend. The perception these men give off is that you will only ever be a “B” player in his life to his friends, work activities and single world. I have an old friend like this who will complain every holiday on how all his friends are coupled married and with family for holidays etc…and I will shake my head and try yet again to explain, that if you want any chance of any relationship to actually work out, then that relationship has to be your priority, friends become secondary, no matter how long you have known these people. Good friends, real friends understand this. I would never expect a single friend of mine to cater to my needs before their partners no normal person would.
The next example I have of perception killing chances of relationships is the portrayal in social media of being a partier, a shallow human who spends time partying, accumulating toys, vacations and things with no qualm about showing these off. I think you will find girls can be very put off by this, they know that along with you comes a lifetime of the man needing that attention, that admiration when he pulls up outside a restaurant or hotel. Don’t get me wrong women of course like successful men, but when it “appears” that a man’s priority is his possessions it makes you wonder, what kind of person puts such a high importance on being noticed and then why do they need that attention in their life.
Perception transcends into attire, and appearance, it has to, we are visual beings, looks and the way you dress is what we first see in anyone we meet. I know personally many- many men who just don’t enjoy fashion or clothing and are more comfortable in shorts and t shirts which on some occasions are fine, but are not fine on a first date on a meeting or a million photos of you looking unemployed and disheveled or hung over at a Starbucks on a week day after noon. Always put your best foot forward , appear to have made some kind of effort, if you are a horrible shopper, find a personal shopper or better yet get a female friend or well dressed guy friend to take you shopping. You may be missing out on the girl of your dreams by being seemingly unkempt. My own personal example- think Johnny Depp he is a handsome man, very handsome really but when I look at him all I think is he needs a bath, that he appears filthy and not in a god way lol! He may take 10 showers a day I have no idea but he gives the perception that he may not which is enough for me to have removed him from my fantasy’s many years ago!
So if your social media cries, attention seeker, slob, materialist, player or implies that you only have a thousand friends all of which are female, take a moment to clear that up, delete delete delete! All the truly great single women I know who want to be in a relationship want LOYALTY above all else, we want to be someone’s priority, first choice and eventually their one and only. Whether you like it or not the perception of you counts more at times than the realty of you so be careful what you appear to be. Know what you want and go after it with the realization that if you find it then making them the priority will pay off infinitely at the end of the day ! Don’t wait til a holiday to complain you are single, think what your actions say, what your social media says and what your lifestyle portrays. If you truly want a relationship then like everything else in life this requires hard work, constant effort and an understanding that life changes actually take the “changes” part to work!
And ladies as hard as this may be sometimes, try keeping a somewhat open mind and try to see thru the perception of people to see a glimmer of their reality, maybe you just may find a diamond in the rough!
Tiffany Beverlin
CEO
tiffany@dreamsrecycled.com
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