The biggest downfall of people trying to fall in love after divorce is that they do not adequately work through their emotional baggage. This inevitably manifests in what Freud referred to as, “repetition compulsions,” in this case, unconscious patterns of dating the same person over and over again. Ever heard the famous Einstein quote, “Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results”?
Look, people are pretty broken up after divorce. Some are relieved to be free of the pain they endured for years, stuck in dysfunctional relationships that led to pathological behaviors in many aspects of their lives (i.e. disruptions in work performance, emotional instability, substance abuse, cutting off from friends and family members, infidelity, chronic ambivalence, bouts of depression and anxiety, neglecting physical health, etc.). The list goes on.
But others are devastated to lose their primary attachment figure, their best friend and other half, as well as the security of their future. The betrayal they may experience is nothing short of traumatic, with consequences including episodes of PTSD in response to visual and other sensory, cognitive or environmental cues that trigger painful memories of loss.
People are products of not only the intrapsychic conflicts they cope to reconcile (like whether to eat the apple or the donut), but also of the contexts around which they choose to create their lives. Some decisions like parenthood are not reversible. Fortunately, marriage is reversible through divorce. So thank the law that you were able to get out of a contract that was not fulfilling your needs.
The key to moving on from divorce is:
1) Give yourself time to heal with the help of supportive friends, family, communities and mental health professionals
2) Acknowledge the high propensity for projecting unresolved emotional baggage onto new partners
3) Don’t expect rebound or “transitional” relationships to solve your woes because now you finally “know what you want”
4) Actively care for your heart, mind and body by taking inventory of your values and matching your lifestyle accordingly
Love takes effort. Every happily married couple agrees that they had to learn to roll with the ebbs and flows of relationships. Challenge is a part of every healthy relationship. You must have realistic expectations. Making a relationship successful means committing to the commitment.
Know that there are no guarantees in love and life, but if you don’t try to find the love you deserve by withdrawing or finding things wrong with everyone you meet, you will never get what you want. Stay engaged in society, try new things, maintain upward momentum, practice self-reassurance, choose compassion over anger, seek out social support, be cautious of impulsive urges, and most importantly, prioritize self-care.
This is the time for you to learn how to love yourself so you can teach the next person to love you the right way. Lasting love is a joint effort.
Elisabeth Mandel, LMFT
Relationship Therapist and Media Personality
CNN, Fox News, Shape, NY Daily News, NJ1015, Howard Stern
25 W 45th St. Suite 401
c: 267-226-9616
o: 212-255-2693
ManhattanFamilyTherapy.com
Twitter @elisabetherapy
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