Divorce often ejects you from a kind of co dependence, we become reliant on our spouses for any number of needs, financial, practical, logistical, emotional, sexual. Even in a bad relationship or marriage your life and needs are combined during your time together. When relationships start to crumble all you really crave is emancipation, from that very person you are partially dependent on. The problem with divorce is in most cases even after divorce there is a kind of co dependency in effect. If you have children together you are bound for at least 18 years to be dependent on each other for child sharing and co parenting decisions. If you are a woman and have been awarded alimony you are often at least initially dependent financially still on your ex for your living expenses, some life time alimony recipients are dependent for life on their ex, the very person they tried so hard to free them selves from. I also sometimes see people who although divorced, still maintain a kind of dependency where one person emotionally carries the burden of the other person.
When you make the huge decision to actually go through with a divorce, you know usually without a shadow of a doubt, that you no longer can remain married to that person.If you are like me the thought of any kind of independence, freedom was intoxicating, I just wanted nothing more than to be alone, be independent of anyone. I am one of those annoying people who finds it hard to ask for help, and from literally the day my ex moved out I never asked him or anyone to help with anything, probably to the extreme- my bedroom TV hasn’t worked since he moved out 4 years ago it still doesn’t work because I refuse to ask him how it works. Silly I know but this highlights how much I craved total independence, I want to know with or with out a partner I am fully efficient at all areas of my life. I like many people has never really been anything, but with a man my entire adult life.I used to think men perhaps where better at being totally independent, but I am not sure this is fully true anymore, I have divorced male friends ask me to go shopping with them, ask me what to buy for kids gifts , what activities to do with kids etc.I think we all have a need to be with someone who compliments us or fills in the areas of our life we aren’t as skilled at.
I believe the problem with independence is we do truly want it on many levels, until we decide we no longer want it, and we start once again to think about how nice it would be to share lives ups and downs with someone, to have someone there to pick up the slack in certain areas to compliment you, be the yin to your yang. Whether we acknowledge it or not each relationship brings with it certain kind of dependence, whether it’s the kind of being emotionally dependent on having someone to text and talk to every day, or whether it’s letting someone change out your fire alarm batteries while you cook for them. I have come to conclusion a little dependency is OK, it lets you enjoy life, travel, dinner, movies, a little more and like the saying goes, sharing joy with someone doubles it while sharing grief halves it, who really doesn’t want that on some level.
So if you are like me and got hung up on being independent that’s great, maintain your independence, financially especially, but remember that it is no sign of weakness to admit on some level you would enjoy giving up a little of the independence for a chance at love and happiness with someone new.
Tiffany Beverlin
tiffany@dreamsrecycled.com
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