When scrolling through any social media format , you will see endless quotes, thoughts opinions on “Letting go”. Disney embraced this of course with their smash hit “let it go”. In divorce or any relationship “Letting go” surely has to be by far the hardest part of it. I see all around me daily people who just seem to not be able to let. Men who send their exes hateful jealous texts about their new boyfriends, women obsessed with constantly contacting their ex offering sex, men and women seem to have equal problem with just realizing that for the most part when a relationship is over it’s ACTUALLY over.
I think people do see in times of clarity that these relationships and people are not a good match just the fact that one or other was rejected seems to set a spiral of begging, pleading and coercing to win them back or worm their way back into these peoples life who clearly want to move on. The exception is that sometimes and I think cruelly for the most part these people who dumped their ex actually kind of relish in the attention, flip flop over and over again knowing that it will never work for plethora of generally unhealthy reasons, yet they too can’t really let go.
I was talking to a man a few years ago about this and he rightly pointed out not being able to let go is generally much more about control and especially EGO than based on genuine feelings towards these people. In my experience it seems to be especially hard for men to watch their ex move on and be happy with other men no matter what the reasons are. Men even who have been the person who dumps the women for a new one will often have jealousy rear its ugly head when the women moves on and finds a new man. A good rule of thumb should be if you are going to pick up something you should always put down something, when you try to hold on to it all you tend to make no one happy no even yourself.
People need to understand that we don’t own each other, we just don’t. Whether you have married them or had children with them or spent years with them etc, we are human beings we are not objects and should never as such be treated as one. I think a lot of time there is that feeling like even if we no longer want these exes we also don’t want them to be given to someone else. It’s totally ridiculous when you think of it, we all deserve to be happy, if you feel you will be happier with someone else or your relationship with someone has run its course and you can’t be with them any more, shouldn’t we actually be hoping that our ex find love and happiness also. I think this thought process can help people move on I think people should realize that each couple have a unique dynamic what you had with someone no one else will have with them and visa-versa, but if you get to the place where you are cheating lying trying to escape, move on etc, isn’t it fair to let the other person off the hook too? Chances are you can both be happier with other people
I think the bigger over all issue that people feel after divorce or on ending a relationship is that we all inherently hate change, bad change, even good change is traumatic. Moving house, moving job, changing relationship status, even having some one simply empty your closet causes stress, we are creatures of habit we aren’t great at coping with change at all. Having a routine with another person almost wears a groove into your brain where when you try and alter this in anyway the initial reaction is feeling unstable un-anchored having unlimited options, choices, free will that you are a one instead of a two can be daunting to any one. Hanging on to these people is unhealthy ,the best plan of action is to focus on yourself focus on what makes you happy cut the chords and realize it will feel a lot like free falling but to just let it go.
All of it the pain the sadness the person the loss all of it….just simple let go of it, stop holding on so tightly to things and situations that we all know on a deep level are not right for you. Simple put why would any one wish to even waste a breathe obsessing about ANYONE who so clearly doesn’t want yo be with them anymore. So much healthier to close these doors permanently and look for all the many doors that will spring open once you do let go. To be honest I’m not even a fan of being friends with ex’s unless you have children with these people why clog up brain waves interacting with these people at all? You have to keep moving forward, looking forward and focusing on the future after all haven’t you ever watched a toddler walk forward while look backwards all that ever results in is head injures while they walk into things constantly. In life we are like this too you really can’t do as great job and give your present and future life everything you should be doing if you are constantly looking backwards.
There are 7 billion people on this planet no one person should we give so much power to over our individual happiness. If you are the one breaking up with someone show some human kindness be firm be fair and let go of the person in respectful way, and if you are the person who has been broken up with and you can’t accept this really focus on your own happiness move on with dignity and realize its most likely not something wrong with you but that it’s mostly likely that as much as we all hate change we ALL actually do change, we change in what we want, what makes us happy and this you should never feel bad about ego wise.
Change isn’t always great but in divorce you have no choice BUT to change so we have to embrace it, celebrate it, focus on it and just LET IT all go….
I promise there will be happiness waiting if you can….
Tiffany Beverlin
tiffany@dreamsrecycled.com
.png)
