How Can You Tell If You Relationship Is Abusive?

The most telling sign is known as “walking on eggshells.” Did you walk on eggshells in your marriage? Are you walking on eggshells in a present relationship? Are you extremely careful about everything you say, worrying that your words might make him angry? Well, it doesn’t matter. The abusive man is very critical and will always find something to be angry about. “Dinner is late!” “The food is cold!” (He came home late, 10:00 p.m. and dinner was waiting for him all that time.)

Speaking of anger, as I illustrate in my book, The Relationship Trap, there is a cycle of abuse that is constant in an abusive relationship. At first the atmosphere is calm and all is well. This is called The Honeymoon Stage. 

However, the honeymoon doesn’t last very long. Slowly the tension begins to build and you begin to walk on eggshells, worrying what will set him off, and something always does. This is The Tension Stage. 

Then comes the last stage – The Explosion. Something sets him off and he lets you have it, loud and clear. You cringe. This third stage is not necessarily physically violent. Psychological abuse is just as deadly because you don’t recognize this as abuse. He makes sure you feel guilty because he tells you he wouldn’t have yelled, or hit you, or whatever, if you hadn’t made him do it. No matter what he does, he claims itsyour fault. It’s not. It never is. But he makes sure you know it’s your fault and you apologize, promise to do better, promise whatever it takes to calm him down. Sometimes he promises not to do it again, brings you flowers…and The Honeymoon Stage begins again.

Psychological abuse is deadly. It robs you of your soul, inch by inch, day by day and you don’t even know it. So many women who were in psychological abusive relationships have told me, “I would have left him in a minute if he hit me, but he never hit me.” Yes he did! He hit her with words!

Does he say he loves me, but doesn’t act as if he loves me? Is he this really nice guy with other people and a completely different guy behind closed doors? This is another sign.

Did you depend on him to make every decision? I know someone who asks her husband if it’s okay to do it, and he is the decision-maker. If he says no, she doesn’t do it. She had an opportunity to join her friends for a fun evening out, but he said no, so she threw some lame excuse at them and stayed home.

Here are a few facts:

  • One out of every four women will experience abuse in her lifetime.
  • Women between the ages of 18 to 34 are at greatest risk of becoming victims of domestic violence.
  • More than 4 million women experience physical assault and rape by their partners.
  • In two out of three female homicide cases, a family member or intimate partner kills them.

Remember this:

If a relationship is good, it’s comfortable. If it’s not, it’s frustrating!

Marilyn Frazer, M.A.

Award-Winning Author of “The Relationship Trap”

Relationship Counseling, LLC

 

 

 

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