In my last blog I talked about setting up your profile in generic terms and I gave some specific advice to the men out there. This one is for the ladies.
If you are currently online you know this already – you are out numbered. You will quickly be overwhelmed with emails, winks, smile and photo likes. It will feel like it’s out of control very quickly. If you are not out there yet, that’s what you have to look forward too. I’m not trying to scare you off; I’m trying to prepare you.
A lot of the guys when they first contact a woman (so I’ve been told by my female friends and a lot of the women I have dated) online come on way to strong, are overly sexual or give the impression they are there for only “one thing”. First let me apologize to all of you on behalf of my gender. Not everyone is like that but – Thank God a lot are. While many look on this negatively, I don’t think you should. Why? Because if you think about it … it’s better to know they are a jerk upfront than to find out after investing energy into getting to know them…right? So think of it in terms of evolution – elimination of the undesirables. When you received that stupid email – don’t respond just block them. Every site gives you the ability to do that. I think they act this way because they feel insulated by the computer. Very few guys would say the things (even if they are thinking them) they write to a person in a face-to-face situation. The computer offers them a buffer. You should take advantage of the technology too and learn where the block button is. Think of it as walking away from a rude person. I block whenever I feel that I don’t want/need this person in my life. It can feel very good.
Additionally and very important, every site lets you put up photos. SMILE in your profile photo. You might think that duck-face is cute (I personally hate that face) but on your profile photo you should be smiling. To be honest, you should be smiling in the majority of your photos. Who wants to date a grouch? Your profile photo is sometimes the ONLY thing that people see. It’s the invitation to come and view your profile. It’s the draw. If you profile photo says – STAY AWAY FROM ME I’M ANGRY or I’m a total douche bag you will not be attracting the quality or quantity of the people you want. I would recommend that your profile picture have only you in it. It is one of my pet peeves and one of the most frustrating things for me when every photo on a woman’s profile has other people in it. I then have to figure out who is the same in each photo and do investigative work. I hate that and it will make me move on to the next profile very quickly. We KNOW you have friends…but we want to know YOU first, not your 1000 closest friends.
Specific advice to women (my opinion and some of my guy friends online as well):
1. Have at least 3 photos of you. It should include a close up headshot, a medium body shot (waist up) and a full-length body shot. If they meet you they are going to see you anyway and why waste your time or theirs if they aren’t going to like who you are physically once they meet you. Might as well get that over with upfront. Don’t forget to smile. Guys are visual.
2. Don’t have friends in every single photo you have on your site. I’ve seen profile that has 10 photos and every one has multiple people in it. This tells me that you are afraid or don’t like who you are or are trying to hide. You might think it communicates that you have a lot of friends/family, on a dating site it is frustrating for a guy. We don’t want to play – Who’s Wanda.
3. Guys are visual creatures. You will attract quality and quantity of guys with your photos. If every photo has you in a bed or with your boobs hanging out – well, you are going to get more of the sexual harassment types of emails.
4. Be consistent and aware of what you are showing and saying. I read a profile today on Match.com – the woman didn’t smile in any of her 7 photos she put up online however her online profile text started with: I’m a happy and joyful person who is always smiling and laughing. Wow…I would not have known that from your pictures and I am not sure I believe that (actions vs words).
5. Don’t try to hard. You might be an avid sports fan (btw, not all guys are) but if your profile says – I would love nothing more than to spend every Saturday on the couch with you watching your favorite teams and bringing you beers – it reeks of desperation and will be attracting guys that will take advantage of that.
6. Communicate what you are truly looking for – I have a list of wants/needs/desires as well as an extensive list of reasons to pass me by (currently at 15 items). The more upfront your communication the more likely you are to reach the set of people that will likely meet your needs.
7. Priorities – Guys want to feel like a priority. I have dated people with children. I was a single father for 8 years when I was raising my son (yes, full custody all by my self). A “good man” knows that your children are important to you and if they don’t; well they are not a good man. I read a profile today that said “1st priority in my life is God, 2nd is my Kids and 3rd is my career. I really want to meet someone in my life that will be my forever partner.” Wow. What I just read is you want to have someone in your life that is your 4th priority. Which one of us wants to sign up to be a 4th priority in someone’s life? I appreciate that she communicated that to me in her profile and I promptly went to the next profile.
8. Be honest about your body type – If you are a few extra pounds say it. There is someone out there who will love you. It’s disappointing when someone say “average” and they are obese. That’s not truthful.
9. Do respond to those that make an effort. A lot of the guys that write you may not deserve a response to their communication because, well, they were a jerk. I think you should block them immediately. But some of the guys actually put in an effort and should be rewarded a little for it. I’m not saying a date; I’m saying a reply. A simple reply – thank you for your message, I read your profile and don’t feel we are a match but I appreciate your reaching out to me and good luck with your search – is typically much appreciated by the guy that did put in the effort. If he is a jerk hiding you will find out soon enough and can block him then.
Hope these tips help you find that love that you are looking for. Next blog we will talk about “The First Date”.
JR Fuller
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