Divorce- One Mans Journey to Conquer Fear!

I remember the hatred and fear that I felt as I walked out of the courthouse after our divorce proceeding was finalized. I hadn’t wanted it, and because I had tried to save our doomed marriage, I created a set of problems that I’m still dealing with seven years later.
I’m a romantic and I was afraid of the future. I had offered to go into her lawyers office without council and sign everything that was put in front of me, if she would agree not to file it immediately, giving marriage counseling a try first. She agreed. The dissolution was filed the following morning. The consequence of my action was I found myself, penniless, homeless and without my children near me.
Hatred isn’t a strong enough word for what I was feeling.Ours was a relationship that shouldn’t have lasted past the third date, but it did, for sixteen years. It was barely above garbage level at times, but it was mine, so like I thought a man should I fought to save it, and had lost.
I was blinded by what I knew. Yeah, I wished things were normal or better or at least not as dysfunctional as they were, but when it came down to it, I put everything on the table for her to take, to show my heart was still in it and my good intent, and in return she showed me her intent.
I have a friend who has been married for twenty-five years to what I can only describe as a full fledged sociopath. He has brow-beaten her into submission early in their relationship, when she was a teen. His life now doesn’t involve her or their children, he has emotionally removed himself although they all live in a beautiful house. He keeps his family on a severe financial restriction, and chastises his wife for turning their teenage kids against him. It goes much deeper and far too explicit to include here, but you get the gist. She is but one of many in this situation. She and I have spoken at length about her options, the damage that is being done to her and her children, the possibilities and options for a happy and healthy future that are within her reach, and my opinion of what is going on behind her back.
Here is my point with all of this: This morning, I explained to her that she has spent the last decade in denial (she has a masters degree and a firm grasp of what I meant) to which she replied that it wasn’t denial, it was survival.
Many people just don’t get it. I see it everyday on social media, hear it from friends, witness it at Wal-mart and Target and remember it from my own relationship. When the fear of the unknown becomes less of a fear than the current pain caused by a given situation, a change will happen. Sadly, many times the current pain gets masked as “survival” or some type of dysfunctional possession (mine), or just accepted as payment from life for some perceived guilt (“he has a right to treat me like crap, I should be better or do better”), and the fear of the unknown morphs itself into a canvas for fantasy.
It’s not until (You) say that enough is enough, that you are deserving of something better and finally understand that happiness isn’t some fairy tale, it’s real and can be found within yourself, and eventually can be found with a new person in a healthy relationship.
It has taken seven years for me to be okay with being alone. I know how big that fear can be, and although my legs aren’t back under me fully yet, I’m now experiencing happiness. Hopefully I’m just a late bloomer.
There is a beautiful world hidden in the unknown that you fear.
It does get better…you just have to believe in that!
Jim Humphrey
Dreamsrecycled.com
Please leave comments for Jim below thank you!

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