Emotional Abusive Relationships….the way out!

It has taken me a long time to decide if I should write a blog on the topic of emotional abuse or not, after all I’m not a doctor I’m not a counselor ,I’m simple a divorced women who through my website DreamsRecycled.com has become a kind of Divorce expert. Mostly I just listen, I think at times this is all any one wants is to be heard, to be validated, to know they are not alone. Well I will tell you, you are certainly not alone, it’s a very common story I think that equally effects men and women. Both sexes I believe have an equal chance of ending up in emotionally abusive relationships. It is not through lack of intelligence, it is not through lack of self esteem it is not anything the abused actually did to get to the place that they are locked into these horribly destructive relationships. It usually is simply that the abusers are so so incredible good at doing what they do, they are master manipulators, master button pressers, master twist everything around you do and say people. “Normal” people often don’t stand a chance at not getting sucked into this relationship dynamic. People don’t realize that this emotional abuse in a relationship doesn’t start straight away, there is ALWAYS the honeymoon phase where these abusers are on their best behaviors, they are often, bright, ridiculously charming, flattering and like most humans we love that feeling of attention, having someone miraculously tell you everything that you want to hear. Someone who miraculously likes everything you like, some one who appears at first to try to please you every step of the way. This is often how it starts the victim walks around on cloud 9 thinking some how they have won in the relationship lotto that they are sooo lucky to have found such an amazing person, they understandably quickly fall in love. The problem is they have actually fallen in love with someone who actually doesn’t exist they have fallen in love with the person alter ego the person acting to be what you want them to be. Once the abuser feels like they have their victim where they want them, their very subtle form  of abuse will begin, every relationship is slightly different but I will give you rough examples that I have heard so you can see the pattern and how easily this emerges in these relationships.

Let’s say your partner likes you to leave them enough coffee in the pot each morning after you leave for work, but one day you are late you don’t make coffee, you come home to the silent treatment, you confront the person and you get an onslaught of how you ruined their day, that without the coffee every single thing that happened bad in the next 8 hours was somehow your fault. As ridiculous as that argument sounds that’s how this abuse spiral works. The abused now begins to have fear, to feel that what they did some how effected their so called perfect partner. The abused vows to never let it happen again.

A few months later the coffee pot breaks they leave for work no coffee for their partner, they reason that they can’t possible blame me they even leave a note saying sorry coffee pot broke have a great day. The abuser won’t care what happened to the coffee pot all they will care about is having another opportunity to show the abused who is in control, who has to be pleased. The abused partner comes home again  to the the same silent treatment followed by an even more abusive verbal tirade about the coffee pot. Maybe now the abuser has managed to throw in self esteem harming phases like “how can you be so stupid” or ” my last boyfriend would never have been that dumb”. Or well “aren’t you a waste of space why wouldn’t you check it every night o make sure it works”. Which of course on the outside looking in we can see it’s ridiculous. The abused is hurt, confused, and gradually over the course of time they feel less and less worthy, less desirable, less smart, less attractive even. Do they leave… NO! This is problem with emotional abuse it erodes the abused self worth from the inside the more the self worth and self esteem are eroded within, the more the poor victims start to believe it is them, it is their fault, that there must be something wrong with them. That somehow now THEY are the lucky ones to have the abuser even stay with them even want them at all. The abusers are so smart at this cycle of abuse because of course after every major outburst or confrontation there will be a glimpse of the honey moon phase again. Maybe the abuser will phrase their make up quotes in the form of “don’t worry even if no one else will have you I will ” maybe something like “at least I still think you are hot sometimes”. They will constantly try to point out in a subtle way how on every level they are somehow better than you. Sometimes they will do it by constantly making up stories about other people being attract to them or hitting on them, rest assured this is very likely untrue, it’s just another subtle way of verbally abusing and controlling you, always keeping you thinking they are better than you, always keeping you their puppet on a string. From what men have told me women abusers will often use total hysteria as a form of control, they will rage, rant, yell, cry scream, while bombarding the abused with crazy cycles of emotionless “I don’t cares” to “I will kill myself with out you” these abusers can be set off so violently and in such a way over even the most minor indiscretion that the abused have no choice but to live perpetually walking on egg shells. Living in fear. They learn to keep the peace, learn to obey, learn to live within such tight constraints that it is truly not only a form of abuse but it’s also mental imprisonment. Learning to walk in between these peoples crazy demands, crazy wishes and crazy parameters they set up for the abused. It destroys your soul, starves your brain of oxygen, pokes holes in your heart and batters your self worth until you are almost a different person than you were before the relationship started.

It’s to hard to really explain but imagine every single piece of control you give some over time is small, first you stop wearing the short dresses your husband deems slutty, then you start calling your wife every single day at 5pm on the drive home from work because you learn that if you don’t she thinks you are visting an ex and cheating. Then you stop going to gym because this causes nothing but arguments on who was there who talked to you etc, then you close your facebook account because every single time a girl “likes” a post or leaves a comment you must have had sex or want to have sex with them. For the most part we as humans want an easy life we want to be loved we want to be in a committed relationship and we want the person that we thought we fell in love with to reemerge , but the truth is they won’t , they actually aren’t real what is real is the way they are during the relationship, the way they play good cop, bad cop on you constantly, the way they are so great at manipulating you into doing anything they want , the way they control you the entire day sometimes even from miles away. How they can somehow convince you that the sky is actually orange not blue because they are so incredible good at getting inside your head and messing with you until not only do you not know left from right, but you also can’t leave them.

Your Psyche, your self esteem sometimes for men even their man hood has been beaten in such a way that leaving almost isn’t an option, to be honest it takes a person with inner strength to leave these abusers. A person has to have faith in them selves they have to step away from the pain, stop drinking the Kool Aid the abusers hand out. Connect more with the outside world because of course abusers hate that, they want you all to themselves because they love you so much, INCORRECT they want you not on your phone, not on facebook, not having a drink after work with your friends because they basically see you as a possession, your not a person to these people, you are a puppet, a dog ,an object, and that is exactly how they plan on keeping it.These people are incapable for the most part of real love. CONTROL is not LOVE. I read an article yesterday that was interesting it said that just about all emotional abusers when they are actually left will very quickly move on to being in a new relationship, which just will prove that they indeed never did love you they just are addicted to controlling another persons psyche, as sick as that is. Why do we stay in these situations, its complicated, a mix of ego not allowing your self to think you can be wrong, a need to be loved and wanted, a damaged self esteem from years of abuse, a fear that on some level even half of what these people said or made us feel is true, what if no one else will want us, what if we really some how are the lucky ones to be with these Jekyll and Hyde. Believe me when I say NON of this is true, you are lovable, you are smart, your are special, you are beautiful write post it note remind your self hourly non of what you feel from these abusers is true, non of it.

I am hear to tell you every single thing the abuser says to you and about you is wrong, every way they try and control you is ABUSE it is in no way LOVE, love doesn’t actually hurt. Love should never ever make you feel bad about your self, love should lift you to a place that you can stay in bed with someone eat sushi in between having super human sex over and over again and feel nothing but pure happiness joy love and pleasure. Even very weak people , people in complex situations and marriages can find a way out, start disengaging, start tuning out the noise, the words the abuse.Start praising your self, if you have supportive people in your life reach out to them let them help you, there is no shame in being abused you simply fell in love with a manipulator abuser. What will happen is that when the abuser senses in any form that you are gaining strength and may leave, they will go into panic mode trying anything and everything not to let you escape, maybe fake an illness, maybe fake a dying relative, they will press any button in you they can, and they will also probably launch into honeymoon phase again reverting to the charming person you thought you loved. DON’T buy any of this cycle of abuse, it’s all game play, they haven’t changed they can’t change and they won’t change. If it helps write on a piece of paper every major blow up or abusive set of interactions they have had with you, if you feel your self faltering or falling under the spell again of they aren’t so bad, read the list. It’s all only temporary before they start abusing again. Of course you can try to seek help you can try counseling or therapy, but the chances of someone changing their innate character is slim, a lot of times the abusers also suffer from a plethora of other issues, whether it be bipolar, psychopathic tendency, narcissism, sociopath, borderline personalities disorder or addictions, although this isn’t always the case but that all just makes it even harder to fix.

We have one life each and every one of us to do with it as we wish, we all deserve love, a healthy happy not harmful, non abusive kind. We certainly should never let another human being hurt us mentally to the point that we no longer love ourselves, so if you are in one of these emotionally abusive relationships, make a plan, stick to it, leave it behind and move on to a healthier life, a healthier brain, a healthier relationship where someone loves and support you and you can love and support them. You CAN leave it won’t be easy, things worth doing never are, but it’s very possible people do it daily, even weak people do it, they leave, they don’t look back and after the pain subsides, a new beautiful future lies ahead of each and every one of them. I will tell you from first hand experience the happiness you eventually feel when you cut the strings off the puppet is worth any and all pain and heartache it may take to get there.

Tiffany Beverlin

DreamsRecycled.com

tiffany@dreamsrecycled.com

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