Remember that old saying “Buyer beware?” I have another saying, Divorced lady beware!
There are guys out there who look for the newly divorced. They know you’re vulnerable and take full advantage of that fact. They have radar and can zero in on your wounds, knowing they’re still raw.
After the divorce is final, you are anxious to get on with your life. Along comes a guy and you wonder if you are still attractive, so you are flattered when he asks you out. The first time he kisses you, you realize you are still attractive. Question answered. However, all he wants is a relationship with no strings attached. Just to get what he can take and then he’s gone, leaving you devastated once more.
How can you recognize a guy like that? He’s good-looking, been single quite a while, and he doesn’t want to spend much money on you. You wind up at his place or yours most of the time. This is not the guy who will take you to dinner at a nice restaurant or to Hawaii. He hardly spends any money on you, but he doesn’t mind taking advantage of you.
One guy I dated shortly after the ink on my divorce papers dried, only asked me out on weeknights. After three weeks of this, I asked him why he didn’t ask me out for a Saturday night. He said that was the night he got together with his guy friends. I wasn’t the stupidest turnip on the truck and knew it was an outright lie. I figured he was seeing someone else on the weekends. Do you think I stopped seeing him? Of course not, because he was charming, bright, a bit mysterious and quite handsome. I continued to see him even though I knew…I just knew…he was seeing someone else. After seeing him for about six months, I went to one of those bachelor auctions at his invitation because he asked me to bid on him if no one else did. I just knew… SHE would be there and I wanted to see what she looked like. Sure enough, I spotted her. She was attractive like me in the same sophisticated way. Obviously, he liked a certain type and we both fit the bill. That was the night I decided I finally had enough and never saw him again. I wasn’t going to share a guy with anyone else.
But it was hard to say, “That’s it!” because it was the first guy I fell for after the divorce. Thanks to him, the wound was reopened and I had to deal with that, along with everything else in my life. I had to work really hard to get him out of my mind.
After that experience I decided that no one would ever take advantage of me again. I worked hard at not being vulnerable any more.
Later, looking back on it, I mentally thanked him for teaching me a valuable lesson early in my new singlehood. But it was a hard lesson. From that time on, I began looking for the warning signs that said this guy would not be for me. As a matter of fact, I wrote a book on the subject, “The Relationship Trap: Women Who Ignored the Warning Signs That Said…This Guy’s Not For You.”
Be smarter than I was. Be discerning and don’t sacrifice your self-esteem for some guy. Wait for Mr. Right to come along. He will be kind and considerate, and will ask you out for Saturday night, and take you to dinner at a nice restaurant. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve.
Marilyn Frazer
Author of “Relationship Trap”.
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